thornsilver: (Default)
There was not much of the way of music scene in Soviet Union. But, of course, I was at an age when teen's fancy turns to musical obsessions. :P I mean, the favorite was always Vysotsky, who is basically a bard. In any case, the attraction of his songs was largely in poetry. And then there was a cute teen guy, whose name I cannot remember now. Apparently some things are universal. An, of course, the band "Technologia", whose sound and song content are pretty much directly ripped off "Depeche Mode".

I have spent today mostly listening to "I Don't Even Own A Television" podcast. Now I am out of new episodes. It's a pity. It is quite clear that the nauseating meds have cleared out of my system, because my mood feel all the way to the floor. I can't read any of the books I have now, because they all depress me more, and all of the fanfic that is usually read for comfort have been re-read so many times...

The TV is completely out. I am not the hugest fan of moving pictures at the best of times, and my reaction to tonight's "Blacklist" episode confirmed it.

This is ridiculous. My apartment is full of entertainment options, and I really have no more desire to use any of them than to poke myself in the eye.

I would go to sleep, but I am pretty sure that this would not be possible right now. That way lays more rumination and crying into the pillow.

In conclusion, fuck everything.

Sourcery

Jul. 8th, 2015 04:16 pm
thornsilver: (cat matters with tea cup)
Period started today, so my body is feeling icky. To my irritation, the usual spike of industriousness that comes monthly with the advent of menstruation did not show up, so I feel totally exhausted and battered mentally as well. I have been mostly cuddling CaptainBear and reading things from different books in small chunks, since I can neither get into a story, not feel comfortable looking at the characters coming to harm.

Last week, my dad sent me a link concerning this thing that helps people on public assistance to find a job. I had looked at that link, and yet I find that I cannot logically follow any of the explanations nor form a step-by-step plan for figuring them out. I saw "executive dysfunction" on my stumbling around on the Internets. That, sadly, sums up a lot of my current and past problems of crazy. I am occasionally capable of carrying out routine tasks. There is absolutely no way I can actually come up with the plans for things, much less carry them out.

Sober

Jul. 1st, 2015 10:03 am
thornsilver: (girl with notebook)
Just read a SCP Foundation entry and now am too creeped out to take a shower. And this entry had nothing to do with showers.

Dirge

Jun. 30th, 2015 09:00 pm
thornsilver: (girl with notebook)
Had a lot of trouble falling asleep. Must have conked out around 4:00 am. Only to wake up at 6am+. After a long consideration gave up and went to give cat wet food, then crawled back into bed. Next time I woke up it was 1:42 pm. Fuck. And I had a headache. Took pills. Sat around for a bit to wait for my head to get less foggy. Ate and went back to bed, because I just could not face anything else. At all.

Woke up again in the evening, again (still) with a headache. Got "Domino's" delivery. I am not actually a big fan of their food, but they are the only place that delivers and never messes up my order for Diet Coke. The rest of them routinely forget (or "forget") this nectar of the gods.

Currently, still have a headache, even though Advil was applied accordingly. Also full of pizza.

I should have actually gotten out and did some chores that are time sensitive, but I don't seem to be able to locate any spoons.

Also wonder what the delivery people thing about my weird appearance and the rather spectacular mountain of garbage in the hall.

Also, cat was chasing a mouse last night, but I was not awake enough to even care about that much less intervene. So far haven't found any mouse corpses.

Hmmm

Jun. 25th, 2015 07:47 pm
thornsilver: (raptor)
One of the things about the depression is that you stop wishing for things. Because there is no point of doing that.

Bother

Jun. 14th, 2015 08:03 pm
thornsilver: (blood rose)
I just wanted to state that depression is awful, ok? I mean, I hope you don't know what the hell I am talking about here, but it really is awful. And at some point you don't even really care that it's awful, because you don't care about anything. You don't care that there are no spoons.

There is this thing where people sometimes commit suicide after the go on the anti-depression meds. It's because they suddenly start caring about everything being awful and get enough spoons to do something about it.

I have no idea where I was going with this. I started with thinking that I really need to take a shower at some point.
thornsilver: (Sanny Butterfly David)
Did I mention that i just woke up today? FML.

Threshold

Jun. 3rd, 2015 06:39 pm
thornsilver: (bunny)
Because I am an idiot, and also cannot keep up with cleaning my apartment when a lot of my crazy happens, I currently have a fruit fly infestation. All of the ways of getting rid of fruit flies deal with making fruit fly traps. Whee! (I guess it could be roaches?)

(Yes, my depression makes it difficult for me to clean. And, occasionally to shower.)

Also, I did something to my neck and now it is stiff and periodically makes clicking noises when I move.
thornsilver: (vin diesel)
Me: Mood has been pretty bad, especially when the sun goes down. I've been hoping that at least a part of it is PMS, but I started bleeding today and still feel like shit. Mind you the nearly daily headache and the newly arrived moist heat wave is not helping.

Cat: Still trying to catch the mouse whose tail he bit off. So far he caught it a bunch of times, and then it got away when the tried to play with it. At this point, I think I am supporting the mouse. I just wish it will not live out the rest of my life in my apartment.

Family: Mom called today when I was sleeping off my headache and left a message. I called back and left a message telling her that I have a headache and nothing else is new.

Other: I am feeling lonely and yet totally incapable of dealing with people at the same time. I don't know how it works.
thornsilver: (Consequences edward elric)
Which is a good thing. The bad thing is that I suddenly have all this energy and social drive and no way to expend it. I mean, I have exercised, and cleaned and applied to jobs to the limits of my current spoons, and I can only re-read Avengers fanfic so many times before I go completely bonkers. There is nothing I want to read in the book form, I have no interest in watching movies/tv, my current crafts project is cross stitch and even if I was not currently tired of poking myself in the various fingers, I'd still need better light for that kind of thing.

There are no words to describe how bored I am.
thornsilver: (winter soldier)
Slightly let up on wishing I was dead. Still hate everything.

Hmmm... Maybe I should start wishing everything was dead instead?
thornsilver: (blue bear)
Today (barely) woke up at 12 pm. Spent the rest of the day (not entirely successfully) trying to not go back to bed. I don't think I have actually slept though, just dozed.

Accomplished: shower, a walk around the block, unpacking of catfood, some garbage disposal.

Now will hopefully pay bills and send out some resumes.

I have minimal job searching skills and they do not work for getting a job. Yes, I did what you suggest. Also that. And that.

Also tomorrow is psychiatrist visit. Not sure yet what to tell her about the new med. Except that I don't think it's any good for me.
thornsilver: (Sanny Butterfly David)
I have just gotten a call from the pharmacy saying that my Wellbutrin XL prescription is out of order. Not only in the store, but in general. He said that they have not been getting it in a while. Why is this my life?
thornsilver: (dear lj)
I spent it in bed, not necessarily sleeping, but maybe dozing a bit. I actually got out of bed a couple of times, but did not do anything at all, until I realized that I have nothing to eat for dinner, and, more importantly, no Diet Coke. At that I did drag myself outside. I have, very unfortunately, met relatives too. We had a short non-productive conversation, since we all wanted to run off as fast as possible.

Now I am home, and I feel lonely. It is very annoying and I want to know why now. Because I usually don't. I am usually really fine alone and I don't want to interact with other people at all.
thornsilver: (Sanny Butterfly David)
I mean, I am not usually a sunshiny person, but sometimes it is bad enough that you still mark it as special. I feel a bit better now, just a bit depressed and unsettled. I wonder how can being a little depressed becomes a baseline. I am sad that I cannot imagine my life getting better, not only because I cannot see myself improving it, but also because I cannot see it being better in any way. There is no road to travel. No where to go.
thornsilver: (curious cat)
That might not have been a good idea. I seem to be depressed a lot. There is never a whee! post, unless it is maybe about someone's writing or fanfic.

Meanwhile, it is colder than a frozen penguin outside.
thornsilver: (curious cat)
I have motivation to do things, at least, even though my mood carefully balances on the edge of the abyss.

So, I've did some cleaning. (I completely ran out of energy after 2 hours, so much so that I am still not capable of doing anything requiring any physical or mental effort. Even playing video games is out of the question. And I keep misspelling things in weird ways, and take way too long to figure out why that word looks funny.)

The pros: I have removed some garbage that has turned my apartment at the approximation of the set of "Hoarders". I also found the computer keyboard I bought forever ago and exchange it for the nearly destroyed one.

The con: the dirt and the cat hair bunnies that have been hidden by the garbage are now visible. Also, I still have quite a bit to throw out. And don't even mention the laundry...

Meanwhile, Kitty Shawn has received a scratching post for the New Year's. I thought that I would try to wean him from the destruction of the computer chair, so that I can hope for it to last a while, because I am technically broke. I think he is afraid of the post. Catnip and cat teasers managed to get him to step on the wooden pedestal that supports the thing, but nothing enticed him to touch the actual scratching part. I am hoping that he will like it better when it starts smelling more familiar.
thornsilver: (girl with notebook)
I got out of bed at 2:30 AM because I needed to reorganize my Netflix query right now. Immediately. (Full disclosure: I currently have at home 2 disks from Netflix. No other disks would be sent out until these two are returned, and I only seen half of one.)

As an additional bonus, the Netflix website is closed for maintenance and will be down until 4:30 AM Eastern. Wee.

Plz shoot me now. Tnx, bye.
thornsilver: (akabane)
I have rebooted my SparksPeople account in order to track my food intake. So far I have done two days... and I am surprised by the low calorie count. Mind you, my food is still rather crappy and not very nutritious, but I always thought that I overeat... and I apparently don't. Makes you wonder where all the extra chub came from.

The crocheting of the afghan is currently at a stand still. I picked out wrong yarn for a part of it, and I am now waiting for the right yarn in the mail. Otherwise crocheting is pretty enjoyable, though I with that the booklet I am using had diagrams and not only descriptions as to what I am knitting.

Spend a lot of time on Timblr looking at the naked pictures. I am perv.

Looking for work makes me want to kill myself, and it is not always a hyperbole.

Which reminds me, have three prescriptions from Psychiatrist: Wellbutrin, Abilify, and Lamotrigine. Dr. basically said that it is the first time she is seeing me not on any mood stabilizers and I should really really be on some, an opinion no doubt not helped by the fact that I had hysterics in her office. So, I guess, go drugs, yay?
thornsilver: (Default)
Today is a total loss. I have not accomplished anything except feeding the cat. Even now that I have gotten myself to the computer I cannot actually force myself to look for work. It just isn't happening.

I have no idea how to go back to actually doing things. Right now I prefer to ignore phone calls so that I don't have to talk to my parents. Just fuck it.

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